Derek Read online

  I never went back to our house. I hired some guys to pack up my stuff, and moved in with Gayle. I’m living at her house now, and she’s become like a Mum to me. Better than mine ever was. We talk every day and she’s helping me but when I’m alone, that’s when the nightmares always come back. I toss and turn every night. I can’t get his face out of my head. I don’t know how to be strong. Caleb will always have a piece of me that I can never get back. My heart will never be the same. I lie in bed each night and think about everything he has taken from me. Gayle keeps telling me it’s going to take time and one day my beautiful smile will come back. I try and believe her but it never works. I will never be the same Rylie.

  The next day at work, Layla invited me to lunch with her and our co-workers. I was scared at first but with her help, I’ve started to fit in more. It’s been fun getting to know her. I’ve never really had many friends. The few I had were really just my co-workers. Caleb never let me have friends. He was controlling. He thought if I had friends, I would tell them about the abuse and leave him for good. This is the first time I’ve felt like I had a life. I wish I’d gotten out sooner. I’m scared of what is going to happen when the details of the trial become public. How will people treat me? Would they think I was stupid for staying with Caleb? I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. No one would ever understand my decision! It wasn’t like I had a choice. Caleb controlled everything; I couldn’t have friends, I didn’t have family and I didn’t make enough money to be on my own. I also didn’t know how to be on my own and that was my biggest problem. I depended on Caleb and he made sure everything was in the proper place. He gave me a car but he controlled the mileage. I had to give him my checks and he would give me what he thought I needed for the week. Sometimes it was only twenty dollars. If it was a good week, I would get fifty dollars. This was my hell with him. I wished everyday my life would get better and maybe this was my chance.

  After work, I change out of my clothes and take a hot shower. The water feels good against my skin. All of my sorrows go down the drain. I take a blue towel and twist it around my hair so that it will dry, and then grab another blue towel to wrap. I have been losing weight with everything going on. Gayle, the mother that she is, makes me eat, but sometimes I am just not hungry. I go to my room and sit on my bed. My head hits my head board and I close my eyes. I think about how I want my life to be. Gayle tells me all the time that I will get over this and I will be me again. Maybe she is right. I just know that I will never make the same mistake again. I don’t believe in love. Love does not exist. How can love exist with so much pain and agony in the world? I’m okay where I am right now. I have a good job, some friends and Gayle to help me when I need it. There is no drama and Caleb will soon see his life behind bars. Yes, things are starting to be okay, but there is an ache in my heart that does not seem to go away. I lie back down and close my eyes to the world before me.

  I wake up to a beautiful morning. I slowly stretch in my bed then get up and look at my body in the full length mirror that hangs on the backside of my bedroom door. The bruises are gone, but the scars are everywhere. I take off my towel and stare at my stomach. My trembling hand grazes the scars and I start to cry. I place both hands on my stomach and close my eyes. I will never get to feel my baby inside of me. I will never get the chance to have a child depend on me; to love me. I turn around and grab the closest thing to me; a lamp. I take it between my hands and throw it across the room. Screaming. Crying. Yelling. I run to the closet and throw everything on the floor. “Fucking Caleb! You stole everything from me!” I fall to the ground in the fetal position. I let it all out. I hear the door open and Gayle runs to my side.

  “Sweetheart what’s wrong?” She pulls me in her arms and grabs the towel to wrap up my naked body, “Shhhh, it will be okay Ry.”

  After a while, I stop crying and keep asking Gayle why me. What did I do to deserve this? Gayle helps me up and tells me she’s going to make breakfast. She gives me a kiss on my forehead and leaves my room. I let out a sigh and walk away. I need to pull myself together and get ready, so I blow out my long blonde hair and pick out an outfit that covers my body; a high neck green sweater and dark jeans. I like to make sure I’m covered up, so no one can see my scars.

  My cell phone vibrates, and I pick it up.

  Layla—Hey I’m almost there!

  Layla picks me up every day for work. I’ve been trying to get my life back on track, but it still feels weird. I go downstairs to the kitchen and grab a protein shake from the fridge. Gayle is sitting at the kitchen table. She smiles and pats on the table instructing me to sit down. She gives me a bowl of fruit and we sit there in the silence. I like it. She knows how fragile I am and gives me the space I need. I love her warm smile. I feel safe. When the doorbell rings I get up and answer the door. Layla. She’s beautiful. Half Sri Lankan, and a body that most likely, doesn’t have any scars. When I open the door, Layla throws her arms around my neck.

  “Oh my god! Rylie, I’m pregnant!” Layla squeals in my ears.

  Pregnant? I give her a hug and congratulate her. I am happy for Layla and Chase, but a part of me feels sad and broken. I’ll never get to feel my baby growing inside me. Hearing Layla say that she is pregnant puts a big damper on my day. It hurts to know I will never be a mother.

  She tells me how happy she and Chase are. I listen as she tells me everything. Chase is a great guy. I met him once, when he came to pick up Layla after work one day. I was happy that not only did she land a hot guy, but a nice one as well. I landed a hot guy, but wasn’t lucky on the nice.

  We get to work, as we pull in the parking lot, Layla Is jumping around on her side of the car about how happy she is being pregnant. I try to put a smile on my face and act happy for her on the way to work. Today turns out to be her last day, as Chase doesn’t want her to over work herself while pregnant. She said once the baby is born she’ll just be doing her schooling full time so she can become a nurse. In a way, I’m relieved, because now, I know I need to distance myself from her. It makes me sound like a bad person, but how could I possibly be around her and her child, without feeling like I’m being ripped apart?

  The day goes by quick as everyone congratulates her on the pregnancy. I can’t get my mind off of Caleb and the upcoming trial. Detective Connors and my lawyer, Kurt, meet me for lunch. Gayle is taking care of all my lawyer fees. I tell her I am going to pay her back but she tells me it is okay.

  We go over the trial and what’s going to happen. I sit at the table with them looking down at my sandwich. Here we go, I think to myself.

  Chapter 3

  The trial was over faster than I thought it would be. Since Caleb pled guilty there wasn’t much that needed to be said, which helped me out mostly, because I don’t like re-living that day. It was hard enough that I had to do it with the officers over and over again to prepare myself for the trial. To be honest, I don’t remember a whole lot, and I was afraid I would get confused on the stand. The judge announced his sentence; twenty five years to life without a chance of parole. After the trial, I went and did something crazy.

  I have spent more hours than I can count, looking in the mirror at my mauled skin. I would stare at those fucking scars every day, and now that the trial is over I am tired of looking at them and being reminded of the pain that Caleb inflicted on to my body. So when you don’t want to see something, what do you do? You cover it up. After planning out a few designs, I went to a small tattoo parlor downtown, where I knew the owner, Jay. As soon as I walked into the shop, he took me back into his work space and I told him what I wanted done. He agreed to do the work, but told me that going over the scar tissue was going to hurt like a bitch. I told him that I had been in enough pain throughout my life, so I could handle anything.

  He had me climb onto the table and told me to lie on my side. He told me that if the pain got to be too much, just to let him know. Then, he took a needle to my back. Holy hell, he was right. The pain almost brought tears to my ey
es, and I haven’t cried over pain in years. By the time he was done, I felt like I was going to throw up. But, I was excited to see what it looked like. Jay wasn’t sure if I should get all the tattoos that I wanted done today, but I said we may as well go for it. It’s all going to hurt anyways, going over all the scaring, may as well have the pain be all at once. It took him all day. I’m glad that he had the time to focus on just me. He would take breaks in between each tattoo to give me some resting time and work on another client.

  After he was done, I looked in the mirror and saw the beautiful saying one on my right shoulder. “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” After that tat, he plastered my body with more designs and quotes. The only area I didn’t get a tattoo on was my stomach. Jay didn’t think he could find something that suited me for there. Instead he suggested some type of cream to help reduce scars. But, I was determined to get it covered someday. Those scars are the ones I hate the most. I refuse to look at them for the rest of my life.

  Then Jay took me to Ty, he was going to do my piercings. I know in my mind that I’m going a little crazy with all of this, but my heart is screaming that I need to do it. He suggested I only get one piercing at a time, but I said no. I wanted today to be my change. I didn’t go as crazy with the piercings as I did with the tattoos. I had my Monroe pierced, a small stud placed in my nose, Labret, and my left eyebrow done. After all of the work was done, I stood looking in the mirrored wall of the parlor. This is the new me. Only one more thing left to do.

  After I left Jay’s shop, I headed over to Rosie’s so she could do my hair. Caleb always loved my long blonde, thick, flowing hair. So, I decided to get rid of it. Dreads. Beautiful dreads. It took over three hours to complete, and it hurt like hell too. But, I fucking loved it. Some people might think my new look is over the top, but I need this. Caleb never let me wear makeup, dye my hair, not even let me wear earrings. This look is all about erasing Caleb.

  Then I headed to the mall, and bought an entire new wardrobe. It was all edgy. Nothing like my normal self. Definitely nothing like the shit Caleb made me wear.

  After my new look was complete, I felt like a whole new person. I felt free.

  When I get back home, Gayle stares at me. At first she doesn’t say anything, but I can tell that she is worried about the changes. She finally asks why, and I explain. She tells me she understands why I did what I did. She spends the next hour looking over my tattoos. Then, decides she is going to get one too. I love this chick!

  We have dinner together. Gayle makes a great chicken and potato meal, and I make one of those chocolate cakes in box. We sit down to eat together, and she tells me about her day. The spa is going well and everyone misses me. I miss my old life and wish I could go back. But, there is just no place for me there anymore. Hell, I don’t know if there is a place for me anywhere in this world anymore.

  We talk about the trial and Caleb’s sentence. I break down a little, when I tell her about seeing him for the first time in months. He looks different now, older and less fit. Some fucked up part of me, even feels a little sorry for him, but, I don’t tell Gayle. Throughout my whole story, she keeps telling me that she is happy about how strong I am. It’s nice to hear, but inside I don’t feel strong at all.

  I feel weak.

  Weak.

  Nervous.

  Always looking behind my back.

  Sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as happiness and love...

  How can I believe in anything? Life with Caleb started off great, but then hell took over. How can things start off beautifully, but then take a turn for the worst?

  I know that Gayle would listen to me and help me sort through my emotions if I truly opened up to her and told her how I really felt, but right now my mouth stays firmly sealed while trying my best to put on a small smile and assure her that everything is going to be ok now, and Caleb is nothing but a thing of the past.

  Maybe one day he will be, but at the moment he’s still here...in my mind.

  ~***~

  I came home from work early, didn’t have any more appointments. I notice Caleb’s car in the driveway and I’m confused. He doesn’t get off work until five. It’s only two. I make my way into our home and hear noises coming from upstairs. I start to walk up the stairs when I hear a female scream out. What the fuck? I run the rest of the way up and throw open my bedroom door. What I see shocks me, the man I love is cheating. Caleb is naked and some girl is on all fours, with Caleb just plowing into her.

  “What the fuck is going on?” I scream.

  Both Caleb and the girl jump out of the bed and scramble to get their clothes on. “It’s not what it looks like babe.”

  “Not what it looks like? Are you fucking kidding me? You are screwing some whore on my fucking bed!” I yell at him, while pointing at the blonde getting dressed. I look over to her. “Did you know he was engaged?”

  “No, he said he lived here with his sister.” She says, voice shaking. She was beautiful and seemed almost innocent.

  I laugh. “Sister?” I look over to Caleb. “Seriously? You said I was your sister?”

  “Baby, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”

  “Fuck you. I never want to see you again.” The blonde rushes past me as I turn to leave. I start to grab a few of my things, but when I hear the front door close the atmosphere in the room changes. I think nothing of it and continue grabbing my stuff. Suddenly my arm is grabbed and I’m whipped around to face a very angry Caleb.

  “You aren’t fucking leaving me.” He says as his fingers dig into my arm.

  “Let go of me Caleb. You cheated, why the hell would I stay with you?”

  He doesn’t answer, instead he punches me in the face. I instantly feel my lip split and blood trickle out. I’m seeing stars and am in shock at his actions, he’s never hit me before. “See what you made me do? You leave, you’ll get more of that, but worse.” He sneers into my face.

  I wake up screaming. Fuck. Fucking, fucking, fucking Caleb. Even locked up he is still in my dreams. I can’t shake him. I lie in bed, and try to calm myself down to fall back asleep, but after a few hours pass I only manage to end up tossing and turning while working myself up into an even bigger bundle of nerves. This is just what I needed, another sleepless night.

  Rolling over toward my bedside table, I grab the remote and turn on the television in hopes of having the white noise lull me to sleep. I finally fall asleep somewhere around four in the morning, only to have my alarm clock buzz at six to let me know that it’s time for me to get up and start my day. I don’t want to move, but begrudgingly I do. As I lazily stretch beside my bed while turning my television off, I hear a thump. Hesitantly, I peek my head around my bedroom door, and peer out into the hallway. No one is there.

  “Pull yourself together Ry.” I murmur to myself as I dart up the stairs to get ready for my shower.

  Fifteen minutes later, I’m back in my bedroom and slipping on my black dress pants with a hot red blouse, along with some red stilettos. I pull my hair up in a high pony tail on top of my head, so it wouldn’t get in my way throughout the day. As I walk down stairs, I see Gayle sitting in the den. She is never here when I leave. She is usually gone bright and early.

  “Hey, is everything okay?” I walk over to her with concern showing on my face.

  “Everything is just fine, honey. Sit for minute. I want to talk to you.” She motions to a seat on the couch across from her.

  I sit down, not knowing where this is heading as my stomach because to fill with butterflies.

  “I just wanted to see how you are doing. I heard you scream last night, but didn’t want to barge in. Last time I did that, you were still sleeping and gave me a shiner.” Gayle tentatively reaches across the table and touches both of my hands.

  “I’m fine. Just another stupid dream about Caleb...it was about the first time he had hit me,” I tell her, knowing that it sounds like I’m trying to convince her. Bu
t if I’m doing that, who am I convincing her or myself?

  “I just want to make sure. I hope these dreams stop soon. Lately you have been going out more with your co-workers. I just want to make sure you are okay.” Gayle smiles at me.

  I didn’t know what else to say, I know Gayle has been acting like a mother to me since what happened, but I didn’t know she was that concerned about me.

  I try to say something else to reassure her, but my mouth just keeps opening and closing like a gold fish. Gayle must not notice it though, because she pats my hands and pulls her hands back while standing up and grabbing her purse to head to work.

  ~***~

  Derek

  God this feels amazing. I plough into the brunette on the bed, going harder and faster as I’m nearing my release. I can hear her breathing start to quicken, and I know she’s close. I don’t really give a shit if she gets off or not, but I figure it’s the least I owe her. So, I hang on until I feel her pussy clench. Then, I let go.

  After I finish working out my release, I quickly pull out and jump up to make my way to the bathroom and toss the condom in to the trash. On my way back out, I grab my clothes, start to get dressed, and then thank her for the lay as I walk out of the bedroom and toward the front door. Before the door shuts, I’m hit in the back of the head with her shoe. I don’t know what these bitches expect. It isn’t like I promise them anything. Most of the time, I don’t even tell them my name. I sure as hell don’t ask them for theirs.

  Another night, another shoe. Not surprising. This shit is getting old. All of these women don’t mean shit to me. They are shit. I look at them like I look at numbers. That’s all they are to me. There’s no one who fucking can get me or fucking can keep my interests up. I spend a few hours with these random bitches, but not one of them is fucking worth my time. Is this how my fucking life is going to be?

  I get home and take a hot shower, letting the water run over my body. All of these fucking one night stands are starting to get tiring. I’m still young, but I’ve been fucking around since I was fifteen. I see both Chase and Kade getting all settled down with their women, both were bigger players than I ever have been, and I keep thinking about how happy they are, and I know that I want that too. I want to be able to look into the eyes of my wife and know that I made the right decision. To come home every night to my woman. To have children. I want it all.